I will not go into the story here for several reasons but I wanted to share something momentous as it has forever altered our time here in Ireland. Two weeks ago now, we lost our best friend here in Dublin. Graham Elmes was our first real friend here and he grew to become a member of our family. He was our family here.
I do not wish to elaborate but, I'll say, while we lost Graham through suicide he died of a very serious disease - whether that is characterized as depression or manic-depression, or any number of things, it is that disease that killed him. In our mere two weeks of grieving thus far, we have at least settled on that. Every other thought and emotion connected with this experience is fleeting, at best, and we are feeling our way through the gut-wrenching grief day-by-day. He was our best friend - to both Wayne and myself and that is a rare love to find. We spoke near daily and saw him sometimes several times a week (a type of friendship we hadn't experienced before, especially not being from Seattle...). He was not just 'some friend' either. Graham was truly beloved...by so many in this country and abroad. He was selfless, giving, hilarious, (could imitate any accent out there), highly-intelligent, successful, driven, hard-working, insanely socially-active, perfectly reliable & punctual, and had endless compassion for others (I could go on for 2 hours with this list). He lived for others. I don't mean that in a trite way - I mean he woke every day and dedicated himself to others, completely. He volunteered in three major capacities on a weekly basis for the entire time I knew him. Honestly, I have never known someone to volunteer more readily, and to give so whole-heartedly, with no hope of anything in return.
It was not unusual from Graham to wake at 7 am on a Saturday, be out for sailing-coaching by 7:30 am, sail for 3 hours, meet us for lunch, see another friend for tea afterward, meet his Nan (Grandma) for an early-dinner, get home and ready and spend his evening at a drum-circle or seeing a comic or a movie. And that was a typical day- everyday. The rest of us feel exhausted by too much social interaction - we schedule bits in our day where we have 'down time' to 're-charge', etc. Not Graham. We can feel exhausted by too much time with too many different friends, but not him. He received his life-energy by filling all his hours with either giving/volunteering or being with friends & family. For him, "downtime" sucked the life out of him. He wanted to be around his loved ones, as much as he could and we can all learn from that...
We are immensely thankful for our group of friends here and the bond we have all created in the wake of Graham's loss. Graham brought us together and I can say with confidence, that we will all spend the rest of our days remembering the love he showed us. He showed us the way to be a genuine friend, how to care more about how each other are doing and less about ourselves, to not gossip, to give selflessly and to spend time cultivating some peace in our minds. Despite his horrific internal anguish, he was a paragon of tranquility and an avid seeker of peace-experiences (be they through meditation, or yoga, or tai-chi, or movies, or laughter, or chocolate). He was a seeker and spent every moment he had trying to survive - though not through attempts at easing his own pain - but in giving himself to others in THEIR pain. That is what made Graham an angelic soul. I will miss him every day of my life, I know that's true.
First sailing trip with Graham when we were "marooned" at sea with no wind.
Norah, almost 2 at the time
Graham telling us a story (and trumpets being played on the East Pier - May 2012). Oh, I'd do anything to have heard the rest of the story!! I think my camera was full. We just loved the way Graham told stories - you almost never met a better, more dramatic story-teller.
Our tow-boat coming to bring us back in. Graham kept a cool head the whole time and we laughed endlessly about this. Even the "emergency motor" was dead....what are the odds?! Thankfully we were only about 200 feet off shore so it was never scary. And it was gorgeous out (because clearly....there was no wind - hence the 'marooning').
Being towed back in to the harbor. Me going: "I think I like sailing."
One of Jimmy's first swims at Seapoint when he was a baby pup.
All heading down to Seapoint for Wayne's first ever swim in the Irish Sea. I couldn't.....because....you know...someone had to stay with Norah & the puppy. (annnnd, the water temperature was 46 degrees...so...)
June 2012 - Wayne's first time in the Irish Sea, with Graham.
Buuut.....three days later, we were back and.... "I'm goin' in!"
First time in the Irish sea...June 2012.
Graham went straight in and I'm standing there gasping and squealing.
We swam about 40 feet and I'm still trying to get my torso-muscles and lungs to stop seizing up.
April 2012 - my FIRST ever 10K race. I was on cloud 9 and so proud to have finished with my buddies Clare & Graham.
And one month later, my 2nd 10K race. Graham was my main training partner (outside our organized group runs) and he stayed with me, this entire race, despite the fact that he could have gone much faster on his own. And he was genuinely alright with that....
Our 3rd 10K race together, on our home turf - the Dun Laoghaire Bay 10K. Here's Graham coming into the finish, in his fastest ever time.
Our first ever half marathon as a group (and Wayne's first ever race, the 10K) - the Galway Bay race. Graham here, coming into the finish. Wayne took this one - he was just flyyyyin' it that day.
So that was the first half marathon and here we are, in Dublin, for my 3rd half marathon in August 2013. Graham, Wayne, Norah and Jimmy were there to support me - as usual:
My favorite photo with Graham. It always meant the world that he came to support me at every event he could.
Babysitting Jimmy one afternoon while the guys were out mackerel fishing. September 2012
Norah & Lucy with Jimmy
In his happy place - out fishing in Dublin bay
Torin & Graham preparing for their dives after fishing
Norah's first freshly-caught mackerel (first mackerel ever I suppose).
Another time fishing with Graham, this fall, 2013. This guy would have gone fishing several times a week if he was able.
Teaching Norah again.
First Halloween with Uncle Graham. He ran over the corner store after getting home late and bought her candy just two minutes before we arrived. He was so thoughtful and looooved getting her gifts. Here she was, age 2, dressed as ogre, princess Fiona, from Shrek.
I was so, so fortunate to be able to go to one Leinster Rugby match with Graham - one of the true loves of his life. He looooved this team. He, Richie & Torin shared season tickets and one match Richie wasn't able to go so Graham offered me the spot. (actually to either Wayne or me, and I begged & pleaded for it to be me!)
Wayne & Norah babysitting Jimmy while Graham and I went out training. Those were the good days.
The running group & Wayne through me a huge surprise birthday party for my 30th birthday. My sister Mimi was visiting from Seattle with Marko & baby Simon and Graham came out to the pub. He brought me the most beautiful gifts, all personally wrapped which I thought was so impressive. The movie - "The Wind that Shakes the Barley" (very sad, but gorgeous Irish movie), a vegetarian cookbook from his favorite café in Dublin and the all time greatest hits of Thin Lizzy (one of his favorite Irish rock bands). He was always wanting to share his great Irish loves, with us. I'll always keep that cookbook 1) because it was from him and 2) because he wrote in it, "Happy Birthday Gloria! Remember, '30' is only an illusion!" I loved that so much, and love it even more now.
July 2013 - when Wayne's parents were visiting from Canada. we arranged for his Dad to play the organ (he's an organ prodigy...) at Monkstown Parish and Graham came down, on his lunch break, to hear him play. This was typical Graham - to go so far out of his way to do something he found important - and that day it was meeting Wayne's Dad and hearing some beautiful music during the only break he had.
Another beautiful morning, meeting Graham across the road in the Royal St. George sailing club.
The normal café chat after our Saturday morning group runs. Even when Graham wasn't able to run with us, he'd often make it down for coffee & a scone.
Meeting Mark Pollock with Graham (an incredible human being....lonnnng story short, he lost his sight in university, and then about 4 years ago, after an accident, became a paraplegic. After years of rehab, motivational speaking tours, and racing to the South Pole, he is now literally walking every single day, in bionic legs - as far as I know, the first paralyzed human to do so. And is at the forefront of spinal cord injury research.) He was an old college friend of Graham's and I was lucky enough to chat with him for a few minutes. Graham looked up to him so much and introduced me to his story, and then to the man, himself. This last week I was able to speak with Mark over email and hear how highly he thought of Graham as well. Everyone did. He thought Mark Pollock was an incredible human, pioneering and surviving but we all saw Graham in a similar light.
December 2012 - First ever Christmas swim - thankfully I had a chest infection and couldn't go in ("oh, dang, I'll just hold your towels for you...").
But this year, December 25, 2013, after a year of Graham convincing me, I decided to take the plunge! And it was, honestly, one of the best Christmas mornings of my entire life. I've never done something so fun, and nerve-wracking and invigorating. There's Graham preparing....
And taking the Leap.
All of us afterward (except Wayne, Ted, Owen & Tomas), changed and warm and trying to get our flasks of coffee open.
Two years in a row we went in to watch the Dublin Marathon with Graham. The first year (above) was 2012 when we had 5 runners in our group doing the race.
On year two, (2013) here we are with Graham & Jimmy again. This time, I was meant to be running along with our 10 (ten!) group members doing this Dublin Marathon. I had gotten an injury about 3/4 through training but we came down anyway and I ran the last 7 miles with two of our ladies. Graham loved supporting any and every runner doing this race despite the fact that he was very open & definitive in the knowledge that he did not ever aspire to run one himself. That was typical of him as well - just wanting to give support & love where it was due, despite him getting nothing out of it. And it's not exactly enjoyable standing there for 3+ hours in the frrrrigid October weather in Dublin. But he did it, over and over and we developed a love for it as well, because his joy was contagious.
Graham would often store his small boat in our car space at our apartment building (since we don't have a car and the sailing club makes them remove their boats a couple times a year). So, he was quite the sight, pulling is boat, through traffic from across the road. Standing at the light, awkwardly waving 'hello', waiting for the green light....proceeding on...
Fishing again, down south of Brittas Bay with Torin, Nicki, us, Graham and all the kiddos.
Norah with her fishin' buddy.
Our dearest friends - Richie & Joanna. Graham introduced us to them last year and they are two more people we feel would could not have lived our lives, without knowing. Many an incredible conversation have been had around this table and we will keep that going.
Joanna made us all Hot Pot and we were in heaven!
Us hosting American Thanksgiving this last year. We introduced Graham to pumpkin pie and both years, he not only finished a couple pieces with us but I sent him home with some because he liked it so much.
Days after Christmas 2013 - on our epic 5 hour hike through the Wicklow Mountains. It was gorgeous and we were so thankful to be traipsing our way through bogs and icy Irish countryside....until we reached the 3 hour mark...(meant to be the end). We all whined and groaned for those last two hours in the rain but Graham never once said a word in complaint. Not even a sigh. He just loved being out there together and didn't care how long it was, or what the weather through at us. We all learned a lot from him on that hike.
At the beginning of our Christmas hike - we all teased him about his hat and asked if he stole it from a cub scout. :) He was so happy that day.
We found the mountain-top, half frozen lake.
Us all....after five hours and soaked through every layer we had but still beaming.
And days later - all spending New Year's Eve together Dec. 31st 2013/Jan 1st 2014 at Richie & Joanna's.
St. Patrick's Day - March 17th, 2014 - Graham invited us over for a true Irish breakfast before we all went down (later in the day) to the parade. This was a really big deal for Graham. Because he was so busy all the time, his home, his apartment, was really just a 'stopping off point' before he went on to his next activity. It was never a place he really spent much time but in the last 3 months he really spent a lot of time trying to organize and make it place he wanted to spend time and "host". It was always neat and a really lovely apartment, right on the sea, but it wasn't a place, until then, where he felt like he could host friends & family. So, this breakfast was a big deal and we were just elated to share it with him.
This is one of my best memories. I could watch it over, and over. He absolutely looooved Roddy Doyle and could imitate any Dublin accent in there (any Irish accent from the entire country, actually).
And then later in March he had us over on Mother's Day and cooked us the most beautiful meal! (well he and I made it together actually, because - bless him- he got home from getting all the ingredients just as we arrived and we had the BEST time in the kitchen together. It was so fun making this Jamie Oliver "30 minute" recipe....(more like 65 minutes, Jamie). We laughed and laughed and 'made do' with his bachelor kitchen supplies. :)
I love this photo - Graham is the Umpire (bottom right, Green coat) for this big race between Trinity College and University College Dublin (Wayne's school). He invited us up to see and it was lovely to watch him in such a position of prestige for this team he coaches (and had for years), on a completely voluntary basis. He was out in the frigid water with the Trinity students, every single Saturday morning, all through the winter. They'd be out in the water by 8 am... it was completely thankless but he was one of the best sailors in the entire country and he truly loved it. In his sailing class (not too many years ago), Graham came 3rd place in the World Championships. He coached all over the world but felt the most strongly about his alma mater, Trinity College. Few people give as much as this man gave, so freely and with zero expectation of dividends.
Norah screaming "Goo Graham Goo!" and, surprisingly, he could hear her and he'd look up, smile and wave at us. I snapped a photo, below, of one time Norah screamed and he turned to wave at us. Besides fellow sailors on the boat, we were the only spectators watching this race. I feel comforted knowing Graham knew he had some supporters watching him do what he loved (especially so after he supported us in every thing we did).
Last fall, when I was (stupidly) having a hard time not being able to run the Dublin marathon (so insanely petty) - Graham sent me this beautiful quote. Ironically, or poetically (?), it's turns out, the quote is about him.
